I am feeling more and more disgruntled on a very specific level. And, here it is:
I continually find myself in the position of enabling others to experience some great freedom from self-imposed financial woes, then having to submit to their anger and resentment about their feeling guilty over feeling obligated to me or even being responsible for their own ineptitude. There are dozens of examples of this having been the case over much of my Life, and I have commented, in this blog, about this.....Yet, writing about my feelings has done little to assuage them. For example.....and this is the latest issue to nag at me: One of my friends, from the time that we met....over 40 years ago, has always been a debtor....always depending on others to bail her out. Yet, she will be "generous" to friends, actually asking me to give her something so that she can give this to someone else that she knows! She asks, "Can I give that (meaning "your") glasses to my friend, 'X'?".....or worse, she tells me what I should do with my stuff......like give it to friends of her's that I have either never met or could care less for......Hey, it's easy to give away other people's stuff....... She spends money rather indiscriminately, seldom plans for obvious financial necessities, and resents those who manage to keep their financial wits about themselves. I gave her the bed she sleeps in, the dresser in that room, a little table and a pair of chairs from my childhood...that she liked, two televisions, the stereo in her living room, clothes, jewelry, art.......when she was losing her duplex apartment....years ago.....I rented my basement to her for much less than I could have rented it to any stranger from Craig's list, and...when she squandered her money on traveling, rather than save for a rainy day...and she's had many of those.......I loaned her thousands of dollars to pay off her insurmountable credit card debt. Nevertheless, she became more and more resentful that she owed me this money and began to treat me with increasing contempt and would say things like "I'd be just fine, if I didn't have this payment (on an interest-free loan, I might add) to YOU!"......While she lived in my basement, she became more and more controlling and resentful. Finally, she found another apartment and moved out...in a huff, of course! I was so grateful, because I was feeling more and more frustrated by this scenario.......I keep swearing to myself that I must not continue to enable her, yet I find that difficult to do because she is always so miserable and frustrated by her financial impulsivity and the subsequent suffering that she must experience as a result of this.........Most recently, I "loaned" her one of my cars, because her car bit the bullet and, as usual, she was completely unprepared for this........ She has already begun to resent not having a car.....actually resenting me for being able to provide one for her! She has begun, for the "n'th" time to transfer her anxiety about her own ineptitude into anger and resentment toward me.......Go figure! Only yesterday, she was feeling anxious and alone and called me for company..... Although I was having a good day and was engaged in activities that I found perfectly fulfilling and enjoyable, I agreed to spend the day with her. I returned her call and, after we made plans for the afternoon, I drove to her home to pick her up, go to Ikea, have some lunch, then go to STEP-UP 3-D.......When I arrived, however, she was watching a DVD, which she just "had to finish"......so....I sit through a half hour of this trivial movie...which was of no interest to me, whatsoever.....then....she tells me she has to take a shower and get ready.......I see the window for our activities getting smaller....and realize that our plans will, as usual, become her plans and that I'm going to be pissed that I'll be in a rush, and that anything that I would have liked to do that afternoon will be eliminated from play as I must accommodate her........So, rather than submit to what is already becoming like a really unpleasant afternoon, I just get out of Dodge and return to my own activities.............A few hours later, I checked my e-mail and found a note from her, which blamed me for the fiasco and was, as usual, lacking any apology from her and was just more of her rationalizations for her infantile behavior.
I continually find myself in the position of enabling others to experience some great freedom from self-imposed financial woes, then having to submit to their anger and resentment about their feeling guilty over feeling obligated to me or even being responsible for their own ineptitude. There are dozens of examples of this having been the case over much of my Life, and I have commented, in this blog, about this.....Yet, writing about my feelings has done little to assuage them. For example.....and this is the latest issue to nag at me: One of my friends, from the time that we met....over 40 years ago, has always been a debtor....always depending on others to bail her out. Yet, she will be "generous" to friends, actually asking me to give her something so that she can give this to someone else that she knows! She asks, "Can I give that (meaning "your") glasses to my friend, 'X'?".....or worse, she tells me what I should do with my stuff......like give it to friends of her's that I have either never met or could care less for......Hey, it's easy to give away other people's stuff....... She spends money rather indiscriminately, seldom plans for obvious financial necessities, and resents those who manage to keep their financial wits about themselves. I gave her the bed she sleeps in, the dresser in that room, a little table and a pair of chairs from my childhood...that she liked, two televisions, the stereo in her living room, clothes, jewelry, art.......when she was losing her duplex apartment....years ago.....I rented my basement to her for much less than I could have rented it to any stranger from Craig's list, and...when she squandered her money on traveling, rather than save for a rainy day...and she's had many of those.......I loaned her thousands of dollars to pay off her insurmountable credit card debt. Nevertheless, she became more and more resentful that she owed me this money and began to treat me with increasing contempt and would say things like "I'd be just fine, if I didn't have this payment (on an interest-free loan, I might add) to YOU!"......While she lived in my basement, she became more and more controlling and resentful. Finally, she found another apartment and moved out...in a huff, of course! I was so grateful, because I was feeling more and more frustrated by this scenario.......I keep swearing to myself that I must not continue to enable her, yet I find that difficult to do because she is always so miserable and frustrated by her financial impulsivity and the subsequent suffering that she must experience as a result of this.........Most recently, I "loaned" her one of my cars, because her car bit the bullet and, as usual, she was completely unprepared for this........ She has already begun to resent not having a car.....actually resenting me for being able to provide one for her! She has begun, for the "n'th" time to transfer her anxiety about her own ineptitude into anger and resentment toward me.......Go figure! Only yesterday, she was feeling anxious and alone and called me for company..... Although I was having a good day and was engaged in activities that I found perfectly fulfilling and enjoyable, I agreed to spend the day with her. I returned her call and, after we made plans for the afternoon, I drove to her home to pick her up, go to Ikea, have some lunch, then go to STEP-UP 3-D.......When I arrived, however, she was watching a DVD, which she just "had to finish"......so....I sit through a half hour of this trivial movie...which was of no interest to me, whatsoever.....then....she tells me she has to take a shower and get ready.......I see the window for our activities getting smaller....and realize that our plans will, as usual, become her plans and that I'm going to be pissed that I'll be in a rush, and that anything that I would have liked to do that afternoon will be eliminated from play as I must accommodate her........So, rather than submit to what is already becoming like a really unpleasant afternoon, I just get out of Dodge and return to my own activities.............A few hours later, I checked my e-mail and found a note from her, which blamed me for the fiasco and was, as usual, lacking any apology from her and was just more of her rationalizations for her infantile behavior.
If this were the only example of this, I would be a bit upset; however, it is not! I seems as though just about any and all of my efforts to help just about anyone, in any way, lead to my being either taken advantage of or being resented.......I have loaned money to hundreds of people who really expressed anger, shame....even deep hostility toward me as a consequence of their own fucked-up-ness. My therapist told me to call in the chips.......but that is not that easy to do.........The very people whose suffering and despair that I had sought to help would only become more resentful and transfer their deep-seated anger on to me! Catch 22..... I have to look like the bad guy so that others don't have to look at themselves in the mirror of Reality. Yet...I continue to get myself in this position, again and again.....and again.......So, what does this mean? I'm afraid that I already know!
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