I still remember Tony Hoover picking up a quarter (1953) that had fallen through a hole in my Robin Hood leather draw-string pouch....then vowing that he had not, although I witnessed the theft with my eyes and heart.
[I think this blog is going to go all over the place, unedited, but it is expressed primarily for my own venting, so what does it matter!]
In first grade, i had a collection of marbles used in the "shooting marbles" game that was in fashion at the time......other children would frequently "trade-out" their ugly marbles for my more aesthetic ones; however, i could not make an issue of this for fear of being the object of the perpetrator's transference of guilt into anger toward me.........so, for the most part, I was always passive about others' aggressive and hostile behavior......out of exasperation, I withdrew to my own world, spending most of recess, lunch and breaks in the auditorium, either playing the piano in the empty and cavernous security of the immense space or reading Rick Blaine Scientific Adventures or Tom Swift...after school, I would generally wait until the other students were out of sight before leaving school to catch the last bus home......frequently, i would wait, tremulously, too long, and have to walk home, risking encounters with unsavory types during that voyage.......this avoidance pattern continued until i graduated from high school....I never played "ball" games other than table and court tennis, croquet, billiards or bowling and was terrified by what appeared to me to be hostile and aggressive behavior.............
@ 10, my Mother, a divorced widow, remarried....
My stepfather proponed that I was far too reclusive and unsociable, so I was sent to summer camps for several years...to "learn" how to "get along" with other children......I played the game quite well, actually, and was voted "most popular" and was made both Chief of the Choctaw tribe (at Dunroamin Camp) and during my last summer......Big Chief of the Chickasaw, Choctaw and Cherokee tribes......This was, of course, easy for me, for I had Indian fantasies already and played the game with great enjoyment. During camp days I became athletic, becoming a member of the tennis, swim, archery and rifle teams..........I set a goal of involving myself with school activities and became president of several clubs, aced my schoolwork, was accepted to Duke, Tulane and Vanderbilt, went to Vanderbilt, graduated and got on with my Life........I never, however, felt a part of the world around me and still viewed the outside world as an alien plane upon which i had to maneuver to survive with my ideologies intact and my principles uncompromised........It would seem that I had been hardened by experience; however, I was the eternal Candide, always expecting others to behave in the ways that I thought they should......That was seldom the case!
I had a rather thankless job with Saks.......One day, I returned home to find the place relatively empty! A friend of a friend, that I had permitted to take temporary respite there.......used my credit to "borrow" a van from a neighborhood gas station and emptied the contents of my home and drove off........never to be prosecuted......I was continually ripped-off on just about every level......This never stopped! Three bicycles were stolen; on two occasions, my cash savings for vacations were taken; borrowed clothes were seldom returned; a friend even offered to "loan" me an item that i had loaned her, years before...and that she had now decided was her's, having forgotten my having loaned it to her..... Now, I have placed both "borrowers" and "thieves" in the same category, for I have ascertained that people just want "more" and "MORE"...........and are furious when their selfishness is thwarted..........I have asked "friends" to return items or to make recompense for things they broke, lost, or even gave away to others(!)......to no avail.....One friend claims to have loaned $8000 that he owned me....to another friend of his that he felt needed the money more than I! After 4 years, I have not heard from him........SO......I have been processing all this and am quite aware of my anger and disappointment.....what to do? I am thinking of instigating a rather agressive (for me, anyway) campaign to shame the "borrowers" into compliance with my ethics.........Yet, I am afraid that they will hate me for this.......that they will punish me for making them feel bad about themselves, thus perpetuating their own denial and placing ME in the martyr pit.......I think i shall ask for the return of the hundreds of things that i have relinquished for the comfort of others........televisions, stereos, jewelry, cars, money, credit....just about anything that can be imagined.......most importantly....my time.......everyone seems so put out if i ask for even an hour of their time........for anything! Frustrated, I want to call in the chips and am trying to muster the self-confidence and courage to withstand the objections and even the cruelty that will result..........
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